Welcome to Blackpool, where dreams come to die. Where else can you experience the charm of a British seaside resort stuck in a time warp, circa 1970? Sitting on a long unappealing coast, Blackpool proudly boasts the world’s tallest and most bewildering collection of tacky souvenirs.  Ready to view the Blackpool Tower, an architectural triumph unashamed in its imitation of the Eiffel Tower – but without the charm.

Or perhaps you would enjoy the iconic Pleasure Beach, a name that somehow conjures a slight sense of unease, sounding as it does like a low budget porn movie.  It’s an amusement park – that isn’t on the beach – but does have ten roller coasters that look like they’re held together by wishful thinking and the occasional prayer. Our hotel sits underneath the tallest one, so we’re grateful the park is closed the day we get in. We’re only here overnight. Although I lived in the UK for four years in the 1980s, I never experienced the famous, in England, Illuminations. More on that in a minute.  

In the late afternoon we walk the promenade and it’s a lonely walk. A Monday in September is not a lively day in Blackpool.  I expect tumbleweeds to roll down the road. In the dubious season known as an English summer, Brits, apparently willingly, choose Blackpool for their holidays. The array of entertainment options on offer includes the refined elegance of the arcades, as well as a fine selection of deeply discounted plastic trinkets and polyester soft toys. Today, the three piers (north, central and south, spaced along 3 or 4 kms of beach) are empty: the amusements have no one to amuse. Except me. On a merry-go-round that’s going nowhere.

The tide is well out and exposes a deep stretch of damp grey sand – it’s a long walk for a swim, if you don’t mind hypothermia. At high tide the beach disappears completely- it’s water entry via concrete steps.

But we’re here for the Blackpool Illuminations, a dazzling spectacle where the town lights up with such gusto that it practically screams, “Look, we’re fun! Really, we are”. The first show, in 1879, preceded Edison’s patent of the lightbulb by 12 months. You can imagine the genuine awe and wonder at the time. Now, even with a million bulbs festooning six miles along the waterfront, the general decay of the town makes it feel less wondrous and more desperate. This year, the Illuminations run every night from about 7:45 through til 10:30, from August to January in an asthmatic gasp to attract off season tourists.

But before we leave town, let’s not forget the gourmet dining. Blackpool is second only to Southend in having the greatest number of fish and chip shops in Britain – 71 in fact. Perfect if you want the dinner we had tonight – greasy fish and chips with a side of regret. 

Blackpool feels like the perfect destination if you’re looking for a holiday experience that will make you appreciate literally anywhere else.